HOLY CRAP, It's A Collection of Bizarre Pairings
by Becky C
Summary: Self explanatory. Read at your own peril...will get worse as it goes on, believe me. Has pairings from TysonAnnabeth to AgriusSunflower, from LukeTyson to an episode of Survivor where anything can happen.... Has been raised to T, for fear of brain trauma.
1. Eh?

HOLY CRAP, It's An Incredibly Sickening Collection of Bizarre Pairings

Do I _need _to explain the bloody obvious?

I do?

Damn.

Well, as the title implies, this fic is a series of random drabbles dedicated to obscure pairings. I will occasionally put in longer, more in depth storylines which will be scattered across the fic, and to reduce the curdling feeling in your stomach that you will experience as the result of reading this, I will try not to make it _too _graphic. Ahem.

Eh?

It was a dark and stormy night…(bear with me here) A tempest of cloven hooves hits the slippery cobblestones, a lonely heart desperate to reach the light at the end of the rather dark tunnel. And then…Grover saw her, the woman of his dreams, slashing the heck out of a straw dummy of Percy Jackson. She had long, stringy brown hair in strands like harp strings, a face that would make monsters take pity on her. Grover's heart went on fire, as the details of her face got clearer and clearer as the sun rose from its hiding place in the sky. Grover looked briefly at his watch, reluctant to let the sight of the enraged girl fly away from him. How long had he watched her for? Last time he had bothered to check with reality, it had been pitch black, but now the first rays of the morning trickled into Camp Half-Blood. And all that time she had carried on training; the harpies guarding the borders had given her permission to stay up all night, but for some reason none of them had spotted Grover. Then, before his new surge of courage run away from him - he couldn't take it anymore - he sprinted right up to her, wrapped his stumpy arms around her waist, and to her evident surprise and irritation, he sobbed into her greasy hair, "I love you, Clarisse!"


	2. Beauty is in the Eye of the Beholder

HOLY CRAP, It's an Incredibly Sickening Collection of Bizarre Pairings

AN: Hello there and sorry it's taken such a long time for me to update. A bunch of stuff happened and I was cut off from fanfiction for ages. Sorry! This time, the pairing is…oh, I won't tell you. It would ruin it. The title is a clue. And there's loads of fluff. Also, I don't think I'll be able to do these as drabbles anymore, but I'll try my best…

Disclaimer: I don't own PJO or any of the characters. If I did, I'd be the coolest gal on the planet. ;)

2: Beauty is in the Eye of the Beholder

_This is it_, Percy said to himself. _Today's the day you're gonna tell her_. He looked the part. He _breathed _the part, and that wasn't just because he had rinsed his mouth with some kind of minty mouthwash. Percy was decked out in a white, silk, Italian suit, with slick and rather fetching cream leather shoes which he had endlessly polished until they gleamed brighter than the Apollo cabin. His unkempt black hair had been weed whacked to perfection, face cleansed of all the usual dirt that accumulated during the ceaseless camp activities. His shirt underneath was a crisp, aqua-green, matching the mystery of his eyes. As you can see, he had this all choreographed from the start. By the River Styx, he'd even shaved, despite the fact he barely had stubble anyway. It was all about the aftershave. If life was a photo frame, Percy would be the picture.

_Your gorgeous blonde hair is so ravishing I could run my fingers through it all day._

He considered the line, but then ditched it in favour of, _You are so beautiful, you make Aphrodite look like a whore._

Perfect!

Plucking his courage like a harp string, bouquet of scarlet roses in hand, Percy knocked on the Athena cabin door before that harp went of tune. The last non-dreamy thought he had was, _Oh yeah, Tyson's coming today._

She opened it.

Her face welled up in his sea-green eyes in an instant, and Percy wanted to touch it, like the reflection of something amazing in a pond; but he knew that if he did, the ripples his fingers would make would dispel the image and break the magic.

He stopped mid-analogy. Why the hell was he comparing Annabeth Chase to a reflection in a pond?

She grinned in her usual, bright-but-sardonic way.

"Hi, Seaweed-Brain."

He broke into a sweat. Why hadn't he immediately put his arms around her and given her the most marvellous kiss in the universe like he'd planned? It was all going wrong. It was all going wrong. His cheeks flushed crimson.

"A-Annabeth." He stammered, trying to keep his cool by willing his toes to stop squirming around uneasily inside his shoes. He finally remembered to smile warmly. Percy _has _the power! "I-I have something to t-tell you."

She raised one eyebrow.

"Mm-hm?" she replied. Percy was troubled; why hadn't she noticed his outfit or even made some sort of sarcastic comment yet? Surely he hadn't dreamt the entire massive-shopping-mall-heist-with-Travis-Stoll? Perhaps he still looked so scruffy and dirty she didn't take any heed of his threads.

"U-uh-uhm…"

He plucked the harp strings of courage.

"You are so beautiful," he began in the deepest, sexiest voice he could muster, "you make Aphrodite look like a whore."

Her face didn't even twitch.

"Oh." She replied flatly, preparing to close the door.

"N-No, wait!" he blurted, heart racing faster than Seabiscuit, "That's not all I have to s-say!"

She halted, and turned around again, arms folded.

"Alright."

He plucked the harp strings of courage.

"Your gorgeous blonde hair is so ravish-"

"HI PERCY!!!"

He was nearly knocked sideways by the volume of the shout.

There his brother Tyson was, sprinting towards them, raw excitement in his one, avid eye. "I LIKE YOUR SHOES!" he added vibrantly.

She gave his shoes one, flash of a glimpse.

"Yeah, they are pretty nice." She said in the same flat tone.

She looked at Tyson.

And then, in the most velvety, sultry, un-Annabeth voice Percy had ever heard, she called, "Hiya, Tyson."

Her eyes peered elegantly into his.

Before Percy had the chance to breath, Tyson had his arms around her waist, and she locked her lips around his, tongue dancing gracefully in his mouth, hands caressing her blonde hair and his rippled muscles.

The harp of courage went out of tune.

AN: MWHAHAHAHAHA! TysonAnnabeth. Tysabeth. I'm the first! WHAHAY!


	3. Oooo, Scary! Plot Development!

HOLY CRAP, It's an Incredibly Sickening Collection of Bizarre Pairings 

3: Ooooh, Scary! Plot Development!

Luke angrily peered through his magical crystal ball thingy. In it, he could see the image of Tyson and Annabeth, lost in each others arms, and a very horrified and heartbroken looking Percy…who was wearing some sort of crazy outfit.

"THIS IS NOT FAIR!" Kronos's right hand half-blood yelled indignantly. "THE CYCLOPS IS MINE!"

(cue five hours of throwing things at glassy-eyed zombie passengers with wild abandon and much blubbing)

Once Luke had calmed down a bit, still panting, he forced himself to look back into the crystal ball. Tyson and Annabeth were still kissing, but Percy was now clubbing himself over the head with a celestial bronze tower shield until a tiny river of blood formed on his skull, endlessly sobbing to himself, "I have not just seen what I have just saw. I have not just seen what I have just saw." His Italian suit was in shreds, swimming in a sea of sweat and anguish.

For the first time ever, Luke felt sorry for him.

But he knew what he had to do.

Literally punching in the keys of his mobile, he yelled into the phone, "OREIUS! GET YOUR ASS DOWN HERE!"

Someone mumbled something back in a bemused voice.

"Hey, look, I don't CARE if Agrius has fallen in love with a sunflower, just get this damn cruise ship to Camp Half-Blood, NOW!"

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	4. Metal Isn't My Only Love

HOLY CRAP, It's an Incredibly Sickening Collection of Bizarre Pairings

AN: I bear no responsibility for the sheer randomness of this pairing. It has never been done before, or indeed thought of, so I feel it is my duty to write it down. Such is the path of the author…

4: Metal Isn't My Only Love

Percy, still crying and totally unaware of Luke's sickeningly romantic plans for his baby brother, fled behind the forges, and tried to resume the normality of his life, whatever the heck normality was in Camp Half-Blood.

"What the hell was that satyr _thinking_?!..." Someone muttered.

Percy jerked around. Clarisse was stomping across the courtyard wearing the sort of wild expression cartoonists make caricatures of, swinging her spear in way that told him she was destined to be a butcher. He was glad that he had sat behind a tree.

"What's up with her?" he mumbled.

"That's what I'd like to know." Someone commented.

Percy looked behind himself. Charles Beckendorf was standing there, leaning against the wall, polishing a quaint gold statue of Hephaestus that Percy figured was far too realistic to be, well, real.

"Uh, hi."

"Hi Percy."

"Um, Beckendorf, I need you to do something for me."

His eyebrows rose. "Yesssssssssssssssssss?" he replied. Percy hesitated.

"I need you to make a huge sword for me. I have decided to end my time in this world."

Beckendorf stopped mid-polish, his face cracking up into one of panic. "But, but! -There are so many people in this world who will miss you, Percy! You have yet to save the world! It can't end now! No! It can't! Don't do this! Don't! Do! This! Kronos must come down! You have your whole life ahead of you! Please! _No_!"

Percy recoiled at Beckendorf's sudden concern. "Erm…okaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay…uh, it's just that I've seen the girl of my dreams kiss a Cyclops. I have nothing left to live for!"

"THAT'S NOT TRUE!" Beckendorf shouted. In the awkward silence that followed, the air seemed to vibrate. His face relaxed, and then he looked down at the ground flushing crimson. "Er, sorry about that. It's just that, it's just, just…" His voice trailed off into some sort of incoherent mumble, but Percy could swear by the lichen on the Grey Sisters' tooth that he heard the words, "…happy together," at the end.

"_Whatwasthat_?" Percy spluttered. Beckendorf jolted.

"Nothing!" He replied, resuming the polishing of his statue. He was shining it so hard that Percy wouldn't be surprised if he saw the reflection's reflection reflected in the reflection of the reflection being reflected on the surface. Whoa, that was complicated.

Beckendorf stopped abruptly. "Percy," he began in a low voice, "I need to show you something. It may interest you."

Percy waited for the punch line. There wasn't one. "Ok then…er, what is it?"

The boy shook his head. " 'tis a surprise. Come with me."

Beckendorf led Percy towards the Hephaestus cabin, ignoring the obnoxious comments and fingers being pointed at Percy's strange get-up. The cabin, much to Percy's surprise, was completely empty of other life, which made him wonder if Beckendorf was skiving. The bed sheets and duvets were slightly blackened from the oil used in the Hephaestus' siblings' projects, countless tools and plans littering the floor, each looking insanely complicated but beautiful. Yet again, Percy mused, Hephaestus' children could make anything.

"Over here!" Beckendorf beckoned Percy to his bed. Percy saw the drawer on his bedside table lying right open, and sleeping inside it was the wackiest and most eccentric bracelet he had ever seen in his life. He lifted it out the way one would lift a lump of plutonium, his jaw dropping.

"Oh. My. Gods."

"Nice, isn't it?" Beckendorf said. "Tyson and I made that last summer."

At the word Tyson, Percy winced and broke into a torrent of sobs.

"Oh, er, sorry about that…" he apologized. "But the bracelet isn't the surprise."

Percy was only too happy to dump it back into the box. "What is it then?"

Beckendorf smiled mischievously, and plonked himself so close to Percy on his bed that he almost fell off.

"The surprise," the blacksmith began, "is my most closely guarded secret. If anyone else were to know, I suspect they would not regard me as a true son of Hephaestus, but I think you will understand, Percy." Beckendorf's eyes then bored so much into Percy's with his stare that he figured that if he wanted to go any deeper, he'd need a spade.

"Um…ok. I won't tell anyone. Who's the lucky lady?" he answered flatly, being reminded of his recent plight.

Beckendorf shook his head. "No, no, no. It's nothing like that." The boy took a deep breath, and stared at Percy again. "Metal isn't my only love, y'know."

Percy stared at him. "Er, then what is? Wood? Polystyrene? Rubber? Paper? I hear Spandex is quite popular these days…" No matter how many materials Percy threw at him, he simply couldn't rid the curdling feeling in his gut that he already knew what it was.

Beckendorf shook his head, and smiled a devil's smile.

"It's you, Percy."

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	5. Starring Luke, Stalker Extrordinaire

HOLY CRAP, It's An Incredibly Sickening Collection of Bizarre Pairings

5: Starring Luke, Stalker Extraordinaire

Tyson was over the moon. The last time he had felt this good was when he had rode the Fish Ponies with Percy and his friends last summer, or when Percy had told him his mum's new boyfriend was called Mr. Blowfish. It had taken an entire week to get Tyson to stop wheezing with laughter.

But all that is irrelevant stuff! Tyson was over the moon. He always knew Annabeth had liked him, he just didn't know what that thing she did with her tongue was called. Oh well.

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!" Percy screamed. Tyson had arrived just in time to witness the amazing spectacle of his brother being chased across the courtyard by a weeping Charles Beckendorf("Wait, Percy! You know we are meant for each other!"), with his hands flung up in the air in disgust and pure bedlam scrawled on his face. Tyson's curiosity killed off the feline species, and he decided to investigate.

As Percy bolted around the back of the crafts hall, the Cyclops approached Beckendorf wearing the sort of bright, amiable, youthful grin that can only appear in toy commercials.

"Hi, Charles! What happened to Percy?"

Beckendorf froze on the spot.

Tyson wasn't sure what happened next, except Beckendorf did that tongue thing again. It felt different from Annabeth's.

"Tyson, my beloved Cyclops, surely if Percy doesn't want me, then maybe his own flesh and blood will?" he mused dreamily, staring into Tyson's eye.

He knitted his brow, and replied, "Whatever do you mean, Charlie?"

"Do you _love _me, Tyson?" Beckendorf sobbed, getting down on his knees and burrowing his forehead into his arm.

"I love _Annabeth_!" he replied happily, unaware of the increase of tears streaming down Beckendorf's cheeks. "I shall go and find Percy! Cheerio!" And at that, he skipped to the crafts centre.

"Come baaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaack!" the lovesick blacksmith moaned.

After bolting around the crafts hall, Tyson followed Percy to the stables, where the half-blood was stroking the Pegasus Blackjack and was busy strapping a saddle on his back.

"Percy! There you-"

"DON'T COME ANYWHERE NEAR ME!" Poseidon's son barked, his black hair getting mangled with his tears. Tyson took one step forward, confused.

"T-Man, I mean it. Seriously. I know and you know that one wrong move and the sadistic author of this story will find a sick way of making us fall in love, or something."

"Whatever do you mean, Percy?" Tyson pondered.

"Haven't you noticed?" Percy retorted, surprised. "Everyone's participating in out of character and non-canon pairings! Beckendorf just tried to pull a fast one, and last night I had the craziest dream of Agrius kissing a sunflower!" Then he added, in a cold voice, "And I'll never forgive you for what you did to Annabeth!" Percy croaked one final melancholic sob.

Tyson could only wear a transfixed face of bewilderment. "What I did to Annabeth? You mean that tongue thing?"

Percy paused, horrified. "What tongue thing?"

"Oh, I don't know what it's called, but Beckendorf did it to me." Going a bit closer to his brother, who hang in a disgusted pose, he asked innocently, "Should I demonstrate?"

"NO!" Percy screamed. Then, Tyson's previous statement got a hold on him, and his face scrunched up into one of horror. "Oh holy ZEUS-"

After several sickening cries of "Why? Why?", Percy leapt onto Blackjack's back like Zorro, and whispered some hasty demands to him. "Am I the ONLY one in this entire story who is still semi-in-character or at least conforming to canon guidelines?"

"Dunno." Tyson replied. "What's canon mean?"

"By Mrs. Dodds' underpants, I have no idea." Percy answered, stifling a sob. "Blackjack, get me the heck out of here."

_Rodger, boss!_

"Percy, no! I'll miss you, big brother!" Tyson protested.

"Shalom, Tyson! Try to avoid sick people like Beckendorf, ok? And for the love of Styx, get your hands off Ms. Chase!"

"I won't!" Tyson called back brightly, as the black Pegasus took off, an ebony missile.

"Psst!"

Tyson swivelled around after taking one final look at his brother. "Who's there?" he asked, afraid. Even though the Cyclops was huge and had biceps the size of Bournemouth, he was still a little kid by Cyclops standards. He figured the voice came from behind the stables.

"Oh, it's only me, Luke." The half-blood prompted in the friendliest voice he had.

"Oh dear!" Tyson exclaimed. "Percy told me you're a bad person! Go awaaaaaaaaaaaay!" He started backing off from the stables, generating a waterfall from his eye.

"Hush, hush, my dear Cyclops!" Luke replied euphemistically. "I was only wondering," he continued in a sultry voice, "if you would like to have some fun."

"Fun?" Tyson pondered innocently, his head cocked to one side. "Oh yes!"

"Then come this way, Tyson honey…." Luke answered, a huge grin plastered on his face as the smiling Cyclops followed him, blissfully unaware of what was going to happen next.

Oh yes, you have permission to vomit now.


	6. Survivor, Half Blood Edition, Prologue

HOLY CRAP, It's An Incredibly Sickening Collection of Bizarre Pairings!

6: Survivor, Half-Blood Edition, Prologue

Becky Creighton looked down upon Long Island using her huge pair of godly binoculars with much interest, from her little home on Mount Fanfiction. net.

"I see lots of chaos has been brewed as it is. But there is too little, and it is not nearly sickening enough! We need more, more!"

_More, more! _Shrieked a group of her minions, a collection of fearsome Keres and an Empousa called Cinnamon. The Keres were stirring a large cauldron which was simmering with Silliness, boiling with Barminess, curdling with Curiosity and steaming with Stupidity. As Becky Creighton wrote a few words on a page, the letters lifted off and poured themselves into the cauldron, fizzling up and screaming their souls out as the Keres stirred harder, grinning.

Yes, this was what was known as the Great Stirring. Whatever silliness and chaos the Author came up with would be recited and implemented in the dying shrieks of the words. And it had the power to topple Olympus.

The only problem was, the person who was in control of it only used it for stupid things, like creating an incredibly sickening collection of bizarre pairings.

"Think!"

"Of!"

"Something!"

"Silly!"

"And!"

"Immoral!"

The words cried out in their death throes.

"Exactly! But what?" Becky pondered, holding her head in her hands wearing a philosophical expression on her face, as if to look intelligent and thoughtful in some deranged way.

_Might I suggessssssst an ideaaaaaaaaaa_? Cinnamon asked, baring her pearly white teeth in a chilling grimace, but when Becky looked again, they were yellowed, lichen-smeared and deadly sharp. That's the thing about Empousai; their powers are so great that even half-bloods have difficulty seeing through all the Mist. On the surface they look like über-sexy and anorexic Mary-Sueish super models, but behind it all they have those terrible teeth, dirty and tatty flaming hair, clammy skin and one of their legs are made of bronze, the other of a donkey.

"Go ahead, Cinnamon."

_I shaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaall gooooooo dooooown to the earrrrrrrrrth and seduuuuuuuuuuuce Perrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrcy!_

Becky Creighton blinked at her. In disgust.

"That is just plain sick, but it's good. Fly, my pretty, _fly_!"

Cinnamon cackled and swooped out of the window, down towards the mortal earth.

"But I need something else…something better than that…"

Then it hit her, literally. It came in the form of a television remote.

"Ow!"

Clutching her head in pain, she looked in the direction of where the remote had come from; a wide-screen television in the corner of the room was blaring. There was a program called 'Survivor' on it, and it seemed to be about a bunch of twats hell-bent on looking like even bigger twats, whilst inbreeding with each other.

"Eureka!" Becky Creighton exclaimed, and she felt the sudden urge to do an Archimedes and run down the streets of Mount Fanfiction. net naked, but fortunately sanity prevailed. "I'll dump a collection of random half-bloods and gods on an island and see what happens!"

_Aye, mi'lady, aye! _Relayed the Keres. They started giggling sadistically again, and stirred harder, the next words of the story flying off into the Great Stir Pot.

"O Marlin Mason!"

"O Rachel Elizabeth Dare!"

"O Clarisse!"

"O Aphrodite!"

"O Zoë Nightshade!"

"O Dr. Thorn!"

"O Demeter!"

"O Chai Luto!"

"O Hades!"

"O Nico di Angelo!"

"O Mr. Blofis!"

"O Almighty Lamppost!"

"O Almighty Sunflower!"

"Come!"

"Down!"

"And!"

"Accept!"

"Your!"

"Destinies!"

"To find!"

"True!"

"LOVE!"

"Mwahahahahaheeeheheheheeheeehohohohahahahahuhuhuhuhihohihohehehehehe!" Becky Creighton laughed uncontrollably. In a bout of melodramatic clichéness, her laugh could be heard echoing throughout the halls of her castle, the whole of Mount Fanfiction .net and even, faintly, on the howling winds that sweep that farthest corners of the earth…..

One by one, a group of mortals, gods and half-bloods vanished under mysterious circumstances. Members of the public noticed that a lamppost had strangely gone missing, and a madman who looked eerily like a bear was reported to have dashed down the streets, howling in emotional agony for a sunflower.

Weird world, don't you think?

TO BE CONTINUED…..

AN: For those of you who haven't read my other fics yet, Marlin Mason and Chai Luto are two OCs I made up. Marlin is the son of Demeter, and Chai the daughter of Apollo. I'm so proud of creating them both!


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